I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
