Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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