Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Could you imagine if a Skynet machine combination of Bob Ross and Chuck Norris were built? It would rule the universe with a soft spoken fan brush of kung fu dominance
It would be truly incredible. I hope we are blessed with this being in our lifetime.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
