you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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