What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
