Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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