Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
