No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
