eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
