nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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