No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
don't judge my taste in strippers
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
