She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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