His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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