I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
