Your face is a jimmy john
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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