New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
