Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
