Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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