i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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