he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize
