I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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