i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
