They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
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