he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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