Cold hands, warm shart.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Randomize
