Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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