It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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