i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
