First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
