I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
