i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
