I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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