my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
