a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
