i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
