frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I wish there were birth control emojis
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
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