I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Randomize
