You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
be right there i have to get my cape
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
