In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I miss vodka workout Fridays
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
