we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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