the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
