I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
