Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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