I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
