Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
