Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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