just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
