I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
