I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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