Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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