You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
