I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
