I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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