so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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