from now on my penis is your penis
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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