I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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