She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
