it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
